Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Bored Now

Bored now.

You know what they call it when you do the same thing over and over, expecting different results?

I’m specifically bored with hearing the same old complaints men have about all the annoying, distasteful and unattractive behavior they witness on a weekly, if not nightly, basis—from women. You’re just so over the chicks who can’t hold their liquor.

I know, I know… you balk at the bar fights, gag at the puke in the backseat, cringe at the random screaming, and disdain the tit flashing. You equally abhor the ‘Instant Man-Hater: Just Add Beer’ and the ‘Chia-Whore: Sprinkle with Liquor and Watch Me Grow!’

Here’s a tip for you: If you stop spending your nights in bars frequented by 22 year old girls who aren’t even close to figuring out who they are yet and need about seven to ten more years to figure it out and/or 40+ year old women who sadly never will figure out who they are because they spent the last 20+ years in a drunken stupor and killed too many brain cells and carry too much baggage to ever be able to… you just might stop running into women who have all those pesky aforementioned problems. And by “bars frequented by [insert the rest of the first sentence in this paragraph here], I pretty much mean bars.

Where will you possibly spend your time and how will you ever meet women? You could always start taking yoga classes; find a local church (there are liberal we-won’t-tell-you-what-to-believe-and-it’s-all-good churches) to regularly attend and get involved with; volunteer for something worthwhile like your local animal shelter, library, Food Not Bombs group, or whatever it is you care about; join a book club, foreign film group, or other such gathering of like-minded people (or if you can’t find one that already exists that interests you then start your own); attend local art shows and festivals… need I continue?

Of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong with stopping by the local tavern once in a while, knocking back a cold one with the guys, or meeting a friend for cocktails after work. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with alcohol. I’m not suggesting an abstinence only outlook here. I myself prefer passing around a couple of bottles of wine in the backyard with some good friends over good food and good music. But if you think you need alcohol to have a good time and to meet people, and if none of the above suggested alternative activities appeals to you, and if you can’t think of any others that might, then maybe the problem is… you.

If you’re the kind of guy that goes out drinking every night and hasn’t an ounce of creativity or ambition for anything more, then you just might have to get used to the idea that your perfect match happens to get drunk, scream at strangers, flash her tits at bartenders, and occasionally vomit in the backseat of your car. May you live happily ever after.

And I hope it goes without saying, ladies, that this is one of those instances where the moral of the story is an equal opportunity employer.

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